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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240920">lovecraft was a little bitch</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesblep/pseuds/lesblep'>lesblep</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Horror, First Kiss, Lovecraftian, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Post-Game(s), Psychological Horror, Species Dysphoria, Trans Character, Transformation, breaking the code and making your own choices, just two bros floating in the void when their purpose has been fulfilled, no i'm not explaining how or when they fell in love. maybe another time, you wanted sentient ai? have some sentient ai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:33:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesblep/pseuds/lesblep</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The game is over. By that logic, everything should be.</p><p>*</p><p>tiny saturn: how would u capture existential horror :?<br/>tiny saturn: i would use a butterfly net alksjdfh</p><p>lesblep: i'd establish that in a human form this thing is Wrong with no explanation. there'd be no too-wide mouth or reflective eyes, just a split second where you first see it where you just feel. sad. and then when it took its true form it'd be "oh there you are"</p><p>tiny saturn: trans propaganda :pensive: /j</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benrey/Gordon Freeman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>148</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lovecraft was a little bitch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>benrey uses he/him pronouns and gordon uses he/they because the idea of an alien having a more solid gender identity than a man's man video game protagonist is fuckin hysterical to me</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With a ripple, emphasis on 'rip,' Benrey became something coiling and jagged. Points of light that could be generously called eyes winked on and off across his surface. It was like stumbling across a corpse in a lake at seventeen, half disassociated adrenaline and half pride, and Gordon watched the entirety of it with a sleepwalker's gaze.</p><p> </p><p>Benrey eventually snapped into inhumanity, and there was a surge of recognition. <em>There you are</em>, Gordon thought senselessly, words pulled from a shelf he'd never stocked with books. <em>I've been looking for you.</em></p><p> </p><p>"It's what I'm supposed to look like," Benrey hummed. It was the truth: the off-putting feeling of wrongness that followed him around was suddenly gone, like it had never been there, like he'd been mourning himself while crammed into a human shape. All that was left was a relieved silhouette given a third dimension.</p><p> </p><p>"I have seen the dark universe yawning," said Gordon Freeman with a quirk in his lips. It was a phrase he didn't feel too strongly about but had memorised despite himself.</p><p> </p><p>"Gross," replied Benrey with a shattered yawn of his own, "Lovecraft was a little bitch." At the bottom of his current throat there was something glowing, like a polygonal anglerfish having an existential crisis. One of his many hands scuttled away, making a break for a doomed freedom, until a good dozen of his eyes glared it back into submission.</p><p> </p><p>The inside of Gordon's mouth tasted like what he assumed gasoline would taste like. He'd have to ask Bubby sometime. There was also blood in his mouth, but his awareness was distant and unhurried. "Can this kill me?" He asked.</p><p> </p><p>The security guard paused in his undulations. "Probably," he said. His voice was placed directly into Gordon's head, like it'd always been there and just needed a catalyst. He didn't sound apologetic as much as he sounded resigned. "I've never wanted to hurt you."</p><p> </p><p>"I know," said Gordon. His pulse made an affronted flutter. He opened a palm.</p><p> </p><p>Something cold slid into his hand, and Gordon forced himself to continue breathing. He bent his head blindly and pressed his torn mouth to whatever it was he was holding in a mockery of chivalry.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't want you to die," said Benrey, and it was a ping of knowledge that burrowed into his ribcage. There was a rushing sound, like a church choir trying to pop your eardrums at altitude, and he was human shaped again.</p><p> </p><p>There was a sense of loss.</p><p> </p><p>Black Mesa spawned around the two of them. Benrey knocked loudly on the side of his head until his helmet clipped out of his skull and back into place. He was not particularly handsome at the moment. He had two eyes ringed with exhaustion, right where they were expected to be, in a shade of brown that, in the right circumstances, could be gold. His skin was washed out by the fluorescents overhead, his cheeks were sunken with hunger, and his fingernails were painted a chipped dollar-store black. He looked like he was supposed to be dead a decade ago. Once the game had hit the final act, humanity had started leaking out of him- his mouth was a bit too wide when he smiled, and his teeth, thoughtlessly sharp, reached a bit too far back in his jaw. His pupils slit themselves, like a cat. Altogether, it was not very accurate to his original model, but it was more comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>And Gordon was in love with him. He bent a second time, and this time Benrey kissed back, rising on his toes to reach. Their fingers twined together in increments of five.</p><p> </p><p>Benrey pulled away with Gordon's blood smeared across his mouth. "I'm adding this to my cringe compilation," he informed the protagonist, wiping his face on his uniform sleeve, and in a burst of broken code Gordon began to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>He was alive. He was not meant to be alive, without the player's influence, and he was definitely not meant to be chest to chest with the final boss.</p><p> </p><p>(The nihil in Nihilanth was a heavy-handed reference to nihilism.)</p><p> </p><p>(The Nihilanth wasn't a very interesting boss battle to literally anyone who'd experienced more modernised physics engines, anyway.)</p><p> </p><p>Benrey kissed him again, selfishly, and their teeth clicked together. Somewhere in the background the rest of the science team was respawning. Eventually, Gordon decided, he'd figure out how to code them all a home out of pilfered g-mod assets, but for now he was quite distracted.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>anyway come bother me on tungle, kesha's tik tok, or the twit, they're all @lesblep</p></blockquote></div></div>
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